Throwing in the Towel with God/Fate
This is for Molly

Ever been in a fight? It could be physical, verbal, or mental. Boxers are always exhausted after a match, chess players are drained after a game, lawyers want nothing to do with a case when all is said and done, and countries usually experience some kind of deficit after a war, if not the economy then people. Either way, fighting is tiring. I never really realized it until recently, but for the past seven years I've been fighting with God, or fate, probably both, about the changes that have gone on in mine and my family's life. I don't want to fight anymore, and I don't think I have to. Let me explain why...

My friend said to me that she doesn't think God gives us more than we can handle. If you aren't one to believe in God, then fine, just cut God out of that phrase. This idea really caught me offguard and I thought about it all day. And I think it's true, we are only, ha only, given what we can handle. Why? Well you're still here, reading this, aren't you? Even if things in your life are hard and it just sucks, you can still handle it, as you're still surviving. The quality of your life may vary as you get older and things change, but sometimes, when you need that extra bit of confidence, or better yet, faith, doesn't it reassure you that maybe these things happen because someone else, whether it be God or some other unknown entity, thinks you can do it?

The fight gets so exhausting. For the past seven years I've denied reality by replacing it with pride and anger. I'm not too proud to admit that all of this really fucking hurts, but I'm proud enough to admit that I can still do it. People ask, "Why does God hate me?" God doesn't hate you, life doesn't hate you, your limits are just being tested and you have to make the choice to handle your life. I have asked myself why God hated my mother and made her sick, but he didn't hate her, he knew she could handle it, and she did, she died happy. This is all extremely honest and not in the least politically correct, but I just don't care. There is also no criticism, I've just admitted guilt of this. I'm also not trying to sell the idea of God to anyone, I just wish people would believe in themselves more...but maybe that's the Romantic in me.