Widow Outreach Program Ideas

So it has been a long time since I have posted on this crazy thing. I'm writing because I would like to brainstorm about a Widower Outreach Program concept.

A little background: It is no secret to anyone who really knows me that my mother passed away almost 4 years ago. Since then, I have watched my father and other family and friends deal with losing a spouse and I've noticed some patterns of things that are particularly difficult for them. Here is what I have noticed: When someone close to you dies, your family and friends are right there with you for a long time, and eventually, that support tapers off, and the grief sets in - that's when it's really hard. (I realize this is completely normal.) I also know that actively seeking help is exhausting, and when you're grieving, you don't always have energy to find a support group (especially one without a religious association, and if you aren't religious this may be a turn off), get dressed, and muster up the strength and courage to get in your car and go. And what about all the stuff that person's spouse did, and they are no longer here to call the insurance agent, or get the oil changed?

So here is what I'm thinking, what if there were a Widower Outreach Program in place? It would be modeled after the Big Brother/Big Sister organization and the concept is there is a volunteer than periodically checks in with their widower, goes to lunch, chats on the phone, and is just a friend. There needs to be consistently established with this, and the frequency of contact would probably depend on what the volunteer and widower is comfortable with.

Now I know there are several obstacles to get around with a program like this but there are so many similar models out there and, that while they may support a different cause, they serve the same purpose, so I am sure these obstacles can be eliminated or gotten around. So I'm just going to list them out:

-The volunteer cannot be responsible for the widower's health/well being/finances. There obviously has to be some boundaries in place, but keep in mind the end goal: you are a friend to the widower.

-How do you get the widower and volunteer connected? I got to thinking about this and it may be slightly morbid so this program certainly isn't for the faint of heart but what if there were a volunteer at the funeral home (you go there a few times when planning a funeral) asking if it's okay to check in on the widower in a few weeks? Or what if the funeral director were to mention the program during the intake process and assess whether there is interest on the widower's behalf?

-This program I envision does not have religion associated with it. If the volunteer and widower want to discuss that, that is totally fine. But this is not meant to promote any kind of religion. Just friendship and healing.

-I have a feeling there is going to be some restriction on driving in a car with the widower, maybe? Just get that sense from other programs I've been involved in - we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

I know there are probably more and they need to be addressed but I'm not worried about that necessarily being a barrier. What my real concern is, and why I'm writing this blog and asking for any and all feedback, is that this would be valuable for someone, and what else could be added to a program like this to add more value? Please, share any and all feedback, send to: andi1889@yahoo.com. I appreciate you taking the time to read this and even more the time to provide any ideas. I think this could be something really great for a lot of people.

Note: I also know I am not qualified to necessarily provide support or counsel - I just have the idea and want to put the pieces in place to make it happen.

Thanks!

Jazz

Ah, I stare at the blank box awaiting me to fill it with my ridiculous thoughts. It has been a while since I've posted on this - I'm not really sure why - I guess more internal soul searching has occurred in the last year and a half and I still don't know what to make of it.

I learned I don't like jigsaw puzzles. My dad loves to do them. I get that it's relaxing and it makes a pretty picture at the end because you found all the pieces that fit together - but I never really understood what you got out of it after all that work. Life is often compared to a jigsaw puzzle and making all the pieces fit. I want my pieces to do more than just to "fit" - I want them to be chosen deliberately, so I can live the life I chose, rather than the life that chose me. (That is a straight reference to a song by Jay Z)

Now, the ability to pick and choose your pieces the way you want them is a major privilege, not a given. Which I think is something we all tend to acknowledge and then forget, never realize at all. That is an extremely difficult concept to accept. One of my favorite quotes is: "The biggest lie I've contended with is this, Life is a story about me". I have to remind myself of that everyday, often, several times. All the pieces of my puzzle are just one piece of a much bigger puzzle that I don't even understand.

Monday was Martin Luther King Jr. day. The company I work for gave us the option to volunteer at a senior citizens home for the day, which was awesome. I used to volunteer at a senior citizen home when I was 13 - and I'd giggle with my friends about the residents, which is horrible but it's what kids do. Since then, my father has been diagnosed with Alzheimers. The experience I had Monday was much different than when I was 13. It was so humbling, for a lot of reasons. One being, someday it's going to be my ass in one of those homes. The prominent reason being that now this is real to me in another way, they didn't choose this, this is a piece of the puzzle that they probably wouldn't have chosen but it's the one that fits. Now, seeing both sides of the coin, I see that there are different types of puzzle pieces, ones that just fit, and ones you specifically chose. There are several pieces that I know my father deliberately picked, and on the flip, a few others that I know just were the ones that fit at the time. I like to think the folks in those homes had pieces they chose at another stage of their life.

Looking at how my puzzle has formulated over the years, there are probably a few pieces that just fit - that I wouldn't have chose. But lately, I've had the opportunity to really live life deliberately, and choose what pieces I want. And it's so awesome and freeing. At the same time, I'm learning (like most things) that life is cyclical (I had an insane History prof in college that preached this everyday after his morning shot of Grey Goose), and these different types of pieces are going to come along. I think if life were a painting, it would be a Mosaic.

Opportunity is Knocking, it's not a Jehovah's Witness, Answer the Door

Have you ever played poker? It's a fairly common game, I like to watch my friends play and I sip some wine. I don't like playing the actual game as much as I like to think about the rules. You are dealt a hand of cards, sometimes 5 and sometimes 7. Depending on what kind of poker you're playing, you can hand in cards for new ones. And this is just not fair. I think this is one of the reasons gambling causes so many problems for so many people. Think of the dealer, in real life, as God. You can't just ask God to deal you a new hand of cards because the ones you hold in front of you just don't work. I call these people the "lottery 'winners'"; they're always waiting, wishing, hoping for a new hand, and to win something by luck. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with having hope, but throwing money down the toilet, and having a reactive attitude isn't going to get you very far.

I'm a big proponent of the idea that life deals you your hand, you do not get to turn any of those cards back in, it's your job to figure out how to play them. But there is less luck, and more strategy in this case. If you have a pair of twos, then you have a pair of twos and you just have to ride it out, don't fold because you never know, maybe you have the best hand at the table. (I guess that is a little bit of luck but for the purposes of this piece ignore that). Where strategy really comes in is in seeing the opportunity in your hand, and just playing it because that is all you have. In life, you're dealt family and unpredictable, and sometimes favorable, and sometimes less favorable events in life. These are some of the things, the cards, you cannot change. Whine about it all you want, thats what you haved. So even if it's not the hand you wanted, you better see all the opportunity you can to put yourself in the best position for attaining happiness.

Why do I bring this up? It seems as though I've been dealt a hand that hasn't won the jackpot yet, and I am certainly not complaining; I'm seeing the opportunity in things that are "less than the jackpot". Just because life isn't giving you everything you ever hoped and dreamed of does not mean you've lost out, you just have to look harder. I've been spending alot of time at home due to my father's declining health, and I'm staying away from all sharp objects, let me tell you. But even though I wish this wasn't all happening; there are a lot of good things coming out of it. My family is much closer, I've rekindled a few friendships that I never thought I would, and I've done some housekeeping in my own life, deciding what matters, and what doesn't. At the end of the day; there is still a great deal of love in my life, it's just not coming in the form I expected. And sometimes I wonder when am I going to get my white picket fence, with the nice backyard where I can drink wine and write? If you ever spend time in a casino, check out the poker table for a while. Eventually, everyone around that table will win big, they just have to stick around long enough, and sometimes invest more than they wanted to, and it sucks and its hard. You just have to give yourself the opportunity to win by staying in the game.


**Note: I do not condone excessive gambling when it comes to actual card games.

Staples.

PB & J. Seinfeld. Cosmopolitans. Candy Corn. Sunday Night Football. The Little Black Dress.

You may not think any of these things have anything in common at first glance. You may think I've lost all my marbles. Maybe that should be added to the list, I never had marbles as a child in the first place. Regardless, all these things are classics in their own regard. PB & J - My co-workers and I still bring that for lunch and get excited. Seinfeld, I mean really, even if Michael Richards ruined his post-career, it's still on TBS like 9 times a night. Cosmos will never get old in my book, or on my bar tab. You can give out Candy Corn year after year, even if it's from 1999. Sunday night football isn't a staple for me, but it is for the lover, so it gets added to my list too (and my flat screen). And every girl has to have a little black dress. Some come equipped with it out of the womb.

There are some things in life that just never get old, they may become different i.e. raspberry cosmos, candy corn-esque pumpkins, etc. They are things that remain in your life, and without them you wouldn't be you. They can even be annoying things, like the kid that picked his nose when you were 5 and now he gives you a ring every year for you birthday.

So why do I bring this up? I think as you get older, and life changes, recognizing your staples is important. It reminds you who are you, when you get away from the things that made you. I need Pumpkin Spice lattes in the fall because it reminds me of Saratoga with my best friend. I need Jack Frost candles because it reminds me of Christmas time with my best friend. In the future, I'm going to need her to be there picking out my wedding dress, paint for the living room, siding with me that 1080 p or i doesn't make any difference, etc. Pretty much, it doesn't matter where we go, or how life changes, you need a staple to hold you together. One of my major staples is my best friend. The lattes and candles are connected but I don't see them helping me through a life crisis.

I'm getting older (not old but I'm finally legal), and I'm away from the place that made me, me. I'm realizing it's important to look back on these things, and pick out what is still holding you together, and to embrace it.

Hardball


I have a bone to pick with my society (note the my, meaning I am a contributor). We do not show eachother, that we care about eachother, enough.

I think often, funerals are the purest form of caring one can give. Something unpleasant, tragic, etc. happened, and you are taking time out of your day to show up. America breeds control freaks, and at this point, there is nothing one can do to control what has happened. There is not anything anyone can say or do, only be there. And sometimes thats the hardest thing to do, because there is no fixing.

Considering my age, I feel I have a pretty lengthy resume of funerals I've attended. As painful as they have been, I can honestly say they have been some of the most heartwarming events of my life. People from your past and present just show up, with nothing to give you but their presence. There are not enough Movado watches, flowers, or amounts of money that could ever compare.

So here is where my problem lies: why are so many of us waiting for something awful to happen to present an opportunity to show up? Seriously, what the hell. If we know someone close to us is having a tough time with something, anything, a "hey I was thinking about you" phone call, e-mail, text, smoke signal can make that person's day. Or if that isn't your bag, send them a joke to make them laugh.

A common objection I receive to this idea is that if someone wanted to talk about a tough time they were having, they would just reach out to you. I'm not necessarily interested in this objection all the time. It's not always about someone else coming to you. Sometimes, you just have to let the person know you're there without asking. That's when it means something, when they don't ask, and you just show up once in a while.

Boys & Noble

I enjoy spending money. While I don't consider myself completely materialistic, if you strip me of my worldy goods, things will not end well for you. Usually if I spend too much I end up feeling guilty unless I got a really good deal or the shoes were really just that cute. There is one place however that I don't ever feel guilty splurging at. No matter how much I spend, I always walk out of Barnes and Noble excited about whatever book(s) I bought, rushing to get home to sit outside and jump right in. This however, has not been the case during my past few trips.

Every time I go in optimistic, convincing myself, "This time it really is going to be different". It's like a bad relationship you keep going back to that should have ended 3 years ago. But I have the stupid members card I paid 25 bucks for, so I'm locked in. (Thank God that expires at the end of the year, a child would be the equivalent if we were discussing relationships, and children tend to cost more than 25 beans). Just graduating college, I don't want to read anything academic, I want to have just a little fun, for a little while, so I'm after some good chick lit. And seriously, I understand Carrie Bradshaw was a pioneer, but does every pink-covered novel have to be about a thirty-something single female working at a publishing house, meanwhile the author can barely bring a witty plot line to fruition, and her main character is supposed to be successful in the industry? Please.

Before I sound too angry, let me build on this in a more positive light. Maybe this is just what happens as we mature and want different things. Like, with men for example. When we're younger, it's easier to peruse the scene and pick up different men/books and "shop". Maybe we'll read the first chapter, and if we're interested, we'll go ahead with the second date. If it goes really well, maybe we'll commit to them a little more, like with an author, and read another one of their books. Sometimes we'll get brave and pick at the bargain bin. I've had a few good men, and a few more authors that I really stuck to. But neither were good enough to hold my interest long enough for me to pine for their next move, or next book.

I realized tonight, I'm starting to tire of the wandering of the book store. It used to be so enchanting because I never knew what I was going to find. But I'm starting to find the same thing over and over again. I would almost rather stay home and tool around Amazon and do my research first (or just write the damn novel myself), which I really hope isn't the equivalent to online dating. Granted, I personally do have my circle of authors I tend to stick to, (and I have one man that always seems to be around ;-)) but tonight, I just wanted to do something different, and look for a new book. Does that ship sail when we find "our authors", and we're set in our ways? Is this goodbye to the New Fiction/Best Sellers list?

Things I Have Recently Acquired to my Knowledge

Below I have listed some stuff I have, of late, learned:

1. Life is hard. My life is hard. Your life is hard. Everyone's life is hard. Questions? Objections? No? Didn't think so. Let's move on.

2. If you want shit to happen or change, you have to do something to prompt that. This usually involves some sort of a decision and/or action.

3. Today's pop music/movies/tv is totally bi-polar. (No wonder everyone in this generation has gone mental). Every song is either about a horrible relationship or incident, or it's about how crazy in love some bitch-ass hoe is. Most movies are about some terrible relationship (which can be found in the drama section of your local video store), or about some wonderful relationship blossoming (which can be found in the comedy section, with Freddie Prinze Jr's name attached). Both types are personal guilty pleasures, so I'm not trying to hate, I'm just saying. Further, consciously or subconsciously, women get it into their head (I'm saying only women because most men aren't emotionally capable of such thoughts, which is fine, they change oil and have large hands that give nice back rubs) that relationships are supposed to be a romantic comedy or, on the flip, a dramatic lets-all-throw-frying pans-at-eachother and drop F bombs extravaganza. Which is why I think this could legitimately be a factor in the high rates of failing relationships/marriages. We're not realistic from the get-go. It's not all Beyonce's fault, we buy the album. And it's good music. But what are we thinking? Oh, I mentioned TV is bi-polar too. I take that back, Flava of Love is on TV, and that's not bi-polar, that's stupidity with a giant fucking clock around it's neck.

4. Sorry, that rant took a little longer than I had originally planned.

5. So what does this all mean? I'm coming to a point in my life where I've wanted to be for so long, the ability to make a decision and move away from my current situation. Now that I'm there, I have several ideas, but not a decision, yet. After tearing apart each idea, I'm realizing that I can't compare these ideas to some ideal love song/movie/life...it's not realistic. I've been told that these sorts of decisions aren't like the ones on a High School exam, where you have multiple choices, and only one is right. (Man they don't look so bad right now). What is realistic is deciding on one, and going into it knowing you're going to wonder if another decision could have been the ideal love song when it's a hard day. But with whatever path you take, on the days when it's quite apparent life is not a romantic comedy, you think the choice you made is still enough to make you want to keep getting out of bed for the adventure, I think, is the most important element. Thinking involves ideas, but knowing requires a decision. I think I'd rather know.