The telephone, mirror, and cannolis


It's Saturday night, and I'm alone. This hasn't happened since I can remember. I'm not pouting, I don't think, it's just weird. It's weird to be alone. I guess it's kind of hard, and it's kind of refreshing. I miss my brother, and his girlfriend, and my best friend who just moved across the country. Yes I realize I'm pouring my heart out, but I don't care. This is my way of screaming on top of a building. The word is one of the only things that is undeniable to me right now. Whether or not people read this isn't the point, the point is that it is here, and it's real.

I guess this just sucks alot more than I bargained for, to be blunt. You wait for so long for something terrible to happen, and the worst part is that you know it's going to happen. And when it actually occurs, you think you're done paying your dues. And then life slaps you in the face and says "No, no, not yet", and you have to find more to give. You want to be angry, you want to blame someone. Blame those who are happy, blame God, it makes no difference. Now is not the time to blame or be angry. In retrospect, I'm not even sure where blame got anyone. Hell they tried to blame OJ and everyone saw how that worked out. It does no good. But when the only way you've ever dealt with anything is to blame or be angry, you're almost at a loss. Hi, my name is Andrea and I'm trying to deal with my life.

And after further consideration, perhaps being alone isn't so bad. I see people everyday who have someone standing next to them, but that doesn't automatically make them any less alone than the next person. I can look in the mirror and see myself and know that that's real. I can call a certain someone in Minneapolis, or North Carolina, or New York City, and know that that's real. And if that is the only comfort besides the cannoli I'm staring at right now, I think I can deal with that.

What I Got


I've noticed recently, the viewer ticker jammer has increased rapidly on this blog. That gives me reason to believe that perhaps, since many of you are aware my mother recently passed, I have something to say. Or maybe it's just late night TV sucks so you fill the void with my ramblings. Either way, I do have something to say, and it's nothing.

Seriously, I got nothin. My life has changed dramatically in the past week, and I'm not really sure what advice I have to offer. This is totally cliche, but I think it's really important to not have any regrets. In a world where we are often run by what is considered "popular belief", it may be hard to not have any regrets, and to act as you see fit when you don't agree with the majority (half the time I don't think the majority agrees with itself and they are a bunch of bloody liars, anyway). So the hell with them. Real life example: I moved out of my parents' and had my own house with my best friend from highschool. Totally stellar right? You aren't supposed to move home after you move out, because that would mean you either can't handle it, can't afford it, or your roommate hates you. I know in my case, the first two aren't true, and I'm pretty comfortable saying the last one isn't, either. However, I decided to move home as a result of my mother's declining health, and I'm sure many didn't believe that was the case. Either way, not my problem. If I didn't move back, I don't know if I could live with myself. I have absolutely no regrets in regards to what I actually had control over. It is so important to march to the beat of your own drum, even if it appears shameful or embarrassing. Do what you need to do to get through the day without hating yourself for it later (for those living in BP, this does infact, exclude coke, just a little fyi).

I'm also realizing it's important to keep your family close. In the past, I've always blown off the idea of family, and that is such a huge mistake. Even if you aren't big on talking to your family, or they live far away, a phone call once a month won't kill you. Even if all they do is criticize you and your lawn mower or whatever the hell, just deal with them, because when you really need them, they will be there. People will always be people, but once in a while, they actually become human when you need them to.

The amount of love I've received from everyone around me, and even from those who haven't been around me recently, or never were really that close to me is so overwhelming. It has brought me to tears on several occassions (when I was alone, of course). I just wanted to take a minute to let everyone know how much I appreciate the messages, cards, phone calls, etc. It has meant so much to me. It has helped me find alot of things that I didn't even know were missing. It has also caused me to become human, which I never realized I wanted to do so badly.

The Man in the Moon


Think back to when you were a child, or rather, if you're like alot of the people that I encounter, think back to when it was still acceptable to act like a child. You probably had lots of kid stuff, and perhaps you had some kind of article that had a moon with a smile. Kinda creepy, yes, but still kind of cool. I always wondered why the man in the moon had a smile on his face.

This has alot to do with fate. My life has been changed drastically in the last few days, I'll spare you the details. But it has made me think a great deal about timing, people, and decisions. I wonder if X hadn't happened the way it did, if Y would have turned out the way it is. Point X and Point Y can be spread years apart, and I have been wondering if they had a significant impact on eachother. Anyone reading this could easily roll their eyes and say of course everything is relative, but really think about this. Really small seemingly insignificant events happening years before suddenly coming back in a way you NEVER expected. Even events that happen in a short period of time but seem unrelated, really aren't. I attribute getting the job I currently have on an unrelated interview with a man who was missing a finger (I saw it and made a face, I knew I wasn't getting the job), and now this job has strangely changed my life through the course of other events. All due to the lack of an index finger? I don't think so.

I think the man in the moon has a smile on his face because he looks down at the world and knows we're okay, or eventually we will be. Fate allows us to be okay. Sure we make decisions, but they're always part of a bigger plan. We can't sit in our bedrooms and wait for fate to take over, we have to keep our lives going and make decisions. Just as long as we keep on keeping on, I like to have faith that it's part of something much larger, something that was supposed to be. I just hope all the control freaks, myself included, get the memo and take it into account before we all lose our minds :)